Ever since this post, I've had contact with my dad exactly three times: to request he send us a copy of our wedding video (long story), to send a curt Father's Day email and to respond to a phone call of his wondering when we can get together (the response - not anytime soon). I needed a break from his melodrama and all the craziness surrounding him. I figured I'd finally contact him when I was over the anger and felt like I could talk to him without blowing a fuse.
We can see how well that is going. We're coming up on 8 months and I still see red, bright all-encompassing red, when I think about everything that happened surrounding the surgery and the months leading up to it. In many ways, life has been so much easier without him being part of it. I know that sounds incredibly calloused and cruel, but sadly, it's true. However, I also have this cloud hanging over me. I know that at some point, I'm going to have to drag my head out of the sand and deal with things. I'm going to have to let him know why I've basically cut off all contact from him. And yet, the last 8 months haven't helped me understand his actions any more than I did in February. Nor has it brought any clarity to how I should go about dealing with the situation.
Unfortunately, my time is about up. After almost 8 months, I guess my dad has finally realized that something is wrong. And that is baffling in and of itself. Really, it took me being on radio silence for almost 8 months before you figured out something was wrong? Really?! I go 1 week without contacting my mom and she calls to find out a) if everything is okay and b) "you're not mad at me, are you?" For so many reasons, it's no surprise they are no longer married....
I received an email several weeks ago with the subject line "I'm sorry if I've hurt you" and the body of the email just said "Love, Dad." I've also received 2 phone calls inquiring if I'm alright and that if there is anything he can help with, just let him know. Somehow, I think if I responded with a request for him to stop being so damn selfish and melodramatic, I'm guessing it wouldn't change much.
My brother has maintained somewhat consistent contact with him (which is all relative - it's still much less than how often he talks to our mom) and I've gotten updates on my dad from him. My dad has never been an easy person to communicate wiht, but part of what is compounding the insanity now is that he is dealing in some crazy, new-age, brainwave, scientology-esque kind of crap. He has dropped cryptic hints about this to me, but I don't play along and ask what he's talking about. Mainly because my brother has filled me in on all the missing information. I've also been told he's not discussing this with me because he thinks I wouldn't be very accepting of it. [Really, ya think? You mean, I'm supposed to find sitting in a meat locker for a week with electrodes strapped to your head a good thing? Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.] This is similar to the reasons why he never discussed the divorce with me either -- he never wanted to hear what I would have to say about it because it wouldn't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Fun times, eh?
I've already decided that I actually have to do something about this and soon. Not this week, not until after the wedding and our Vegas vacation. The decision to deal with it has helped to lift the burden a bit, but I still have a massive tension headache whenever I think about it and I still don't know what I'm going to say. I figure I'll start with an email so that I can write it all out in black and white and really say what I need to say, whatever that is. My brother has agreed to read it over before I send it so I can make sure it makes sense and so he has a heads-up in case my dad turns to him to decipher why I'm so upset. I'm guessing there is a high liklihood of this.
I hate that I'm still in this place and don't have any answers. I hate that I'm having to deal with this. And most of all, I hate knowing that no matter what I say or do, I'm never going to get a resolution that I'll be satisfied with.
Wish me luck. Or, if you're so inclined, a prayer or two would help, too.