Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Radio Silence

Ever since this post, I've had contact with my dad exactly three times: to request he send us a copy of our wedding video (long story), to send a curt Father's Day email and to respond to a phone call of his wondering when we can get together (the response - not anytime soon). I needed a break from his melodrama and all the craziness surrounding him. I figured I'd finally contact him when I was over the anger and felt like I could talk to him without blowing a fuse.

We can see how well that is going. We're coming up on 8 months and I still see red, bright all-encompassing red, when I think about everything that happened surrounding the surgery and the months leading up to it. In many ways, life has been so much easier without him being part of it. I know that sounds incredibly calloused and cruel, but sadly, it's true. However, I also have this cloud hanging over me. I know that at some point, I'm going to have to drag my head out of the sand and deal with things. I'm going to have to let him know why I've basically cut off all contact from him. And yet, the last 8 months haven't helped me understand his actions any more than I did in February. Nor has it brought any clarity to how I should go about dealing with the situation.

Unfortunately, my time is about up. After almost 8 months, I guess my dad has finally realized that something is wrong. And that is baffling in and of itself. Really, it took me being on radio silence for almost 8 months before you figured out something was wrong? Really?! I go 1 week without contacting my mom and she calls to find out a) if everything is okay and b) "you're not mad at me, are you?" For so many reasons, it's no surprise they are no longer married....

I received an email several weeks ago with the subject line "I'm sorry if I've hurt you" and the body of the email just said "Love, Dad." I've also received 2 phone calls inquiring if I'm alright and that if there is anything he can help with, just let him know. Somehow, I think if I responded with a request for him to stop being so damn selfish and melodramatic, I'm guessing it wouldn't change much.

My brother has maintained somewhat consistent contact with him (which is all relative - it's still much less than how often he talks to our mom) and I've gotten updates on my dad from him. My dad has never been an easy person to communicate wiht, but part of what is compounding the insanity now is that he is dealing in some crazy, new-age, brainwave, scientology-esque kind of crap. He has dropped cryptic hints about this to me, but I don't play along and ask what he's talking about. Mainly because my brother has filled me in on all the missing information. I've also been told he's not discussing this with me because he thinks I wouldn't be very accepting of it. [Really, ya think? You mean, I'm supposed to find sitting in a meat locker for a week with electrodes strapped to your head a good thing? Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.] This is similar to the reasons why he never discussed the divorce with me either -- he never wanted to hear what I would have to say about it because it wouldn't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Fun times, eh?

I've already decided that I actually have to do something about this and soon. Not this week, not until after the wedding and our Vegas vacation. The decision to deal with it has helped to lift the burden a bit, but I still have a massive tension headache whenever I think about it and I still don't know what I'm going to say. I figure I'll start with an email so that I can write it all out in black and white and really say what I need to say, whatever that is. My brother has agreed to read it over before I send it so I can make sure it makes sense and so he has a heads-up in case my dad turns to him to decipher why I'm so upset. I'm guessing there is a high liklihood of this.

I hate that I'm still in this place and don't have any answers. I hate that I'm having to deal with this. And most of all, I hate knowing that no matter what I say or do, I'm never going to get a resolution that I'll be satisfied with.

Sigh.

Wish me luck. Or, if you're so inclined, a prayer or two would help, too.

14 comments:

WeezerMonkey said...

Lots of luck and hugs for you.

ssinca said...

{{hugs}}

I think writing it down and having your brother read it over is a great idea.

Emily said...

Ugh, this sounds like crap, especially the fact that you know that even after you face it things won't be 100% better. Sounds like you're dealing with it the best way possible - good luck!

Leslie said...

Big, big hugs - dealing with selfish family members is very hard.

I think it's great that you are going to write things out. That's a good way of processing things.

California Girl said...

I'm sorry you are dealing with family crap. It is so draining. I don't know if I've ever talked to you about it, but I had major issues with my dad for years - in high school and college. Similar to yours in the sense that I just couldn't understand how he was the way he was, or how he operated the way he did. How you could claim to "love" your kids and do the things you do.

It's no fun... But you need to have your boundaries and understand exactly what feels right and what feels wrong to you.

I hope you feel better after it's over.

Good luck :)

wan-nabe said...

you know that i've been there, in a way, and not too long ago. things still aren't great, but they're improving, and i'm hopeful that the same will happen for you.

prayers are coming your way, of course.

<3 <3 <3

dapotato said...

prayers going your way. i hope this resolves sooner rather than later, but i know sometimes/lots of times this stuff takes forever.

good luck when you talk to him/email him.

Winnie said...

I've had no experience with this . . . but good luck!!

Kelly said...

I hate that you are having to deal with this also. Hugs, luck and prayers from me. Let me know if you need to vent anytime.

Diabolina 3.1 said...

luck, a prayer and a kiss.

R said...

So much to deal with. Unnecessary crap. Well, life doesn't throw things at you that you can't handle. You are strong and smart and will do what's right for your own sanity. Best of luck in dealing with this.

Nanette said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts!

Jen said...

Luck and prayers. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. :/

Claire said...

Argh -- I thought I had responded to this when I first read it. In any case, lots of h+p and I know you have the inner strength to be the bigger person in all of this as well as to make sure your well-justified frustration is communicated.

Good luck.