November 20, 2008 was the date that we found out my father had passed away. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think that most of the anger is gone, but I'm not sure that I've really dealt with the situation. My M.O. this year was to just bury it all and move on with life. Healthy? Eh, probably not. But, it seemed to be the only way I could really function. After getting through the holidays in 2008, I pretty much made like a hermit crab and just took a lot of "me time" over January and February. My nights revolved around coming home, eating comfort food and losing myself in a book. I guess you could say it was therapy of sorts, except that I just remember feeling incredibly numb. I had a couple of epic breakdowns during that time, but after the tears were over, the rest of the emotions just got reburied. I still have moments when I'm driving or cooking or some other mundane task, when I suddenly remember he is gone and will find myself close to tears. I'm still so sad that things ended the way they did. That he died the way he did. That I had severed communication months beforehand. That I couldn't have the relationship with him that I wanted. That he couldn't change to be what my brother and I needed him to be. That things weren't better before they abruptly ended. Things we saw in his house after the fact still haunt me. I think this is why I've just buried the whole lot of it and have tried to move on. It's just too painful to sift through everything and really deal with it.
Surprisingly, the anniversary actually passed without any tears or even much conscious acknowledgment of the day. I think my brother had a different experience for the day, but we process things very differently, so that is to be expected. I wonder what this year will bring. If I'll feel ready to confront some of the sticky emotions or if I'll just be content to leave them buried for the time being. Time will tell.