November 20, 2008 was the date that we found out my father had passed away. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think that most of the anger is gone, but I'm not sure that I've really dealt with the situation. My M.O. this year was to just bury it all and move on with life. Healthy? Eh, probably not. But, it seemed to be the only way I could really function. After getting through the holidays in 2008, I pretty much made like a hermit crab and just took a lot of "me time" over January and February. My nights revolved around coming home, eating comfort food and losing myself in a book. I guess you could say it was therapy of sorts, except that I just remember feeling incredibly numb. I had a couple of epic breakdowns during that time, but after the tears were over, the rest of the emotions just got reburied. I still have moments when I'm driving or cooking or some other mundane task, when I suddenly remember he is gone and will find myself close to tears. I'm still so sad that things ended the way they did. That he died the way he did. That I had severed communication months beforehand. That I couldn't have the relationship with him that I wanted. That he couldn't change to be what my brother and I needed him to be. That things weren't better before they abruptly ended. Things we saw in his house after the fact still haunt me. I think this is why I've just buried the whole lot of it and have tried to move on. It's just too painful to sift through everything and really deal with it.
Surprisingly, the anniversary actually passed without any tears or even much conscious acknowledgment of the day. I think my brother had a different experience for the day, but we process things very differently, so that is to be expected. I wonder what this year will bring. If I'll feel ready to confront some of the sticky emotions or if I'll just be content to leave them buried for the time being. Time will tell.
<3
ReplyDelete<3 too
ReplyDeleteWow, you know maybe it's serendipity that you wrote this just as I am struggling to understand how I feel and should feel over the death of my own father *birth/dna donor* just 3 days ago.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I am mourning the un-relationship more than I am mourning the man- so I can completely sympathize with your feelings, doubts, concerns, etc..
3 days into it I'm learning that whatever feelings that have come (or never appeared) are justified. So I say the same to you- just honor those feelings.
For better of for worse the situation was what it was - All you can do is honor your own feelings and thoughts at this point.
Sorry I got rambly. Just know you're not alone out there with these feelings.
Hugs friend.
Sending you lots of hugs from Dallas.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you (and Aline).
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs! Though not healthy, I think it's pretty normal to bury the emotions. How else could you move on with your life if you REALLY thought about it every day?
ReplyDeleteDriving has been the worst for me. It's the only time I'm usually alone.
Lots of good thoughts for you and your famiy.
Your heart with tell you when it's ready to deal with it. Until, bake, cook, sew, scrap your heart away and be thankful you have your hubby, brother, and mom when you have a moment :) xoxo!
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to talk or vent you know where to find me sis. Love ya! :)
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a strange creature. You never know how you'll react to it or when it'll emerge again. The obscure but powerful reminders that appear from nowhere and remind you of your loved ones - what they were, what they became and how they were taken from us.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my thoughts, A.
Much love to you.
xoxo
I know everyone processes things differently, but I do think that there are a lot of universal feelings. I have/had the same sense of numbness, but I describe it as feeling disconnected. And those random moments when out of no where you're just overcome by sadness. I do think its difficult when you lose someone suddenly and unexpectedly, and I don't know if it's comforting - but even though my relationship with my dad is worlds different than yours, I still have regrets that make me feel royally f-ed up inside. I don't think you really buried your feelings, I think you deal with them on an "as you can handle" basis, and I think it's hard to ever REALLY have closure. In the Jewish religion we have a full year of mourning before we even put up a headstone - which symbolizes the beginning of moving on. You've just gotten to that year mark, so it would seem to me you're right on track.
ReplyDeleteI have this anticipatory sense of dread as February approaches.
I'm so sorry, Amber. I'm glad you wrote about this. I find it oddly relevant, in a strange way.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, except to send you giant hugs and to let you know that I think you are an amazing person. Regrets are always difficult to deal with; try not to let yours get the best of you.
I wish you peace and healing.
xoxo
ReplyDeleteH+P
ReplyDeletei have nothing but love and hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteand aline, too.
::hugs::
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you last month during the walk, knowing the year mark had just passed. I am always here if you need to talk, or if you need to drink a glass of wine and not talk. :)
xoxo