Yummy eats and fiddly feet

Since my mom wasn't able to come down for Christmas this year due to her back, I made a quick trip up to see her this weekend. I headed out right in time to greet the rain storm that had moved in to Northern California - yipee. The first night we had dinner and ran through Joann's so I could try to get ahold of a couple of the new Butterick patterns (no dice). The next morning we lazed around the house a bit before getting ready for our afternoon and evening plans - wine tasting at Hess Collection and then dinner at, wait for it, Ad Hoc! :)

My mom invited her bestest friend forever, L (they've been pals for over 40 years!) and her husband, D, since they both like good food and wine. In fact, it is L that has been slowly introducing my mom to the wonderful world of vino and getting her to drink something other than White Zin - thank God!!

So, we loaded everyone up and headed out to Napa. The rain had stopped, which meant the drive was easy and we made it to the winery in no time. Since I'm a club member, we were all able to enjoy their regular tasting (4 pours/person) for free. It was a nice pre-dinner activity and got us all in the mindset for a foodie good time. At the end of the tasting, everyone took advantage of my club member discount and we left with a half dozen bottles and some peanut brittle.

Since we were still a bit early for dinner, we ran by Bouchon Bakery, just down the street, to grab some baked goods. I'm such a sucker for that place and it's physically impossible for me to be in the vicinity and not stop for something. Bouchons, various rolls and some pastries jumped in our bags and then we were finally ready for dinner.

I was with an *ahem* mature crowd so we did the "early-bird special" dining. Restaurant opened at 5pm and we were there at 4:58pm sharp! Ha! Even eating well before the sun went down, the meal was still superb! In fact, I think it was even better than when Jim and I dined there this summer, which is hard to believe.

Chicken and Dumpling Soup [not pictured because I forgot my camera and didn't realize I could take crappy iphone pics instead until course #2. grrrrr] This was ah-maz-ing! The recipe is in the book and I'm planning to make my own version later this month.

Colorado Lamb Sirloin with roasted cippolini onions, swiss chard, acorn squash, wild mushrooms and sweet potato fritters

My mom and I really don't care for lamb, however, I think this dish might have changed our mind for good. Very little gamey taste and cooked to a perfect medium-rare. All of the veggie sides were equally delicious and held up well against the strong flavor of the lamb.

Cow's Milk cheese with black pepper crostini and bergamot marmalade

I can't remember the actual name of the cheese, but it was mild and lovely. The crostini were ridiculously tasty for something that looked so innocous. The marmalade was a nice touch, but a bit strong for a few of us.

Sticky Toffee Bread Pudding with pecans and creme fraiche

Just ridiculous. All four of us cleaned our plates and there was quite a bit of discussion on whether it would be rude to actually lick the plate to get the last bit of toffee syrup off of it. [We decided that yes, it might be a bit uncouth.]

One last highlight of the dinner was the wine pairings they were offering. Excellent choices and since I wasn't driving, I took full advantage of it, as did D. I wish they would do this every night as it really added to the meal. It was a really fun night and I think everyone was sufficiently stuffed and happy by the time we made it home.

The next day found me fiddling around with a sewing machine and not my own, unfortunately. Remember when I picked up that bag 'o fabric for cheap during the fall? Well, 2 pieces were specifically purchased because my mom wanted scarves made from them. And we all know, it's very hard to say no to Mom. I didn't have time to make them before my trip, but brought the fabric with me and planned to whip them up before I left.

Here is where I'd like to note that said fabric is flimsy poly-chiffon and to reiterate that my mom wanted a scarf. I can already hear some of you starting to giggle, as you should be. I got all set up on my machine, set up the iron and got to work, all excited to make these pretty little scarves for my mama. And that's when I realized that doing a super narrow hem on this kind of fabric is like herding cats. It doesn't do anything you want it to do and it mocks you the entire time you're trying to fold it into submission. Then the cussing and swearing started.

What was my mom doing all this time? Sitting in the livingroom, on her computer, laughing at me. Lovely. At this point, it was the principle of the thing and I was hell bent and determined to get it to work. After playing with it for awhile, I learned that by adding a line of straight stitching right next to the fold line, it gave me a little something extra to work with when folding, pressing and pinning. I also had to put 3974738 pins in per side of hemming to keep it all in place. All in all, they came out okay. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to look too closely at them, but they're not going to unravel on her, which is the most important thing. I'm guessing that if I had a rolled hem foot this process would have been a bit easier (Any experienced seamstresses want to chime in here?), but I followed Tim Gunn's advice and made it work.

The upsides to this project? Um, I don't think there are any. Well, I guess there is one. My mom is obviously very happy with the finished product, which does make me less bitter about the whole endeavor.

Of course, that didn't stop me from giving her the stink eye when she so nicely mentioned that if I find any other scarf fabric in colors she would like, to feel free to make her some more. Sorry Mom, still recovering from the trauma of the first batch!

Short trip home, but a good one. :)

A Year

November 20, 2008 was the date that we found out my father had passed away. I can't believe it's already been a year. I think that most of the anger is gone, but I'm not sure that I've really dealt with the situation. My M.O. this year was to just bury it all and move on with life. Healthy? Eh, probably not. But, it seemed to be the only way I could really function. After getting through the holidays in 2008, I pretty much made like a hermit crab and just took a lot of "me time" over January and February. My nights revolved around coming home, eating comfort food and losing myself in a book. I guess you could say it was therapy of sorts, except that I just remember feeling incredibly numb. I had a couple of epic breakdowns during that time, but after the tears were over, the rest of the emotions just got reburied. I still have moments when I'm driving or cooking or some other mundane task, when I suddenly remember he is gone and will find myself close to tears. I'm still so sad that things ended the way they did. That he died the way he did. That I had severed communication months beforehand. That I couldn't have the relationship with him that I wanted. That he couldn't change to be what my brother and I needed him to be. That things weren't better before they abruptly ended. Things we saw in his house after the fact still haunt me. I think this is why I've just buried the whole lot of it and have tried to move on. It's just too painful to sift through everything and really deal with it.

Surprisingly, the anniversary actually passed without any tears or even much conscious acknowledgment of the day. I think my brother had a different experience for the day, but we process things very differently, so that is to be expected. I wonder what this year will bring. If I'll feel ready to confront some of the sticky emotions or if I'll just be content to leave them buried for the time being. Time will tell.

Wedding! Christmas! New Years! Whew.

We're almost half-way through January 2009 and I'm not even close to catching up with blog stuff from 2008. Lovely. So, instead of lots of long, drawn out posts, how 'bout a marathon one with everything (except the 3 Day Walk, that still deserves it's own post) all thrown together? Good? Good.

* Wedding in New Hampshire
Waaaay back in November, we attended a wedding for Jim's law school buddy. We were only there for a couple of days, but we had a great time. While it might have been raining outside, it definitely didn't dampen the festivities. The couple are very much in love and and it seems only a matter of time before they start expanding their family. Congrats G and J!

Rehearsal Dinner

Getting ready at the hotel. I was allowed to hang out with the guys to serve as photographer. Let me just say that it's tooootally different than girls getting ready before the wedding. Wow.


At the church




The reception took place at a castle. The cocktail hour was held inside and then the dinner was outside in a tent. The only downside was the water that was tracked onto the dance floor. Made dancing a bit treacherous, not that it stopped us or anything.
We also had to play some dollar game that I don't really remember, but it ultimately ended in me and one of the law school buddies having to go up and do a line dance. Um yeah. I look thrilled, no? :| The rest of the evening was much better.

Before we leave the wedding, what, you might be asking is the proper footwear for a chilly, wet New England wedding? Duh. Uggs with your cocktail dress. (Please note, I did change into heels for the ceremony and reception.)

* Christmas
We hosted several parties and then had Christmas Eve at our house for my mom and brother. I spent a large portion of December in my kitchen rockin' out to Christmas music. Some of the fruits of my labor:

Crudite, Prosciutto-wrapped Asparagus

Salted Marble Chocolate with Pecans, Snowflake Gingerbread Cookies

Mini Pumpkin Cheesecakes, Pumpkin Cake with Cream Cheese frosting

Jim and I did manage to take some time out to chill by ourselves, too. And what better way to do that than taking advantage of our hot tub. And some booze. And cigars. Wheee!

I was seriously considering not cooking for Christmas Eve, but eventually decided that it'd be worth it. Indeed, it was. No pictures because I was too busy in the kitchen, but we had a full ham dinner made from scratch. It was delish.

We also had fun with presents. My mom told my brother and me that she got us the same exact gift. That scared us. It shouldn't have, seeing as it was a portable GPS for our cars. Yay! Jim got golf lessons at our local course, while my mom got a PB giftcard and a Barefoot dreams blanket that matches the one I have.

Later, Jim and I exchanged gifts alone after everyone had left. However, before we could open gifts, we had to deal with an unexpected visitor. A lady had accidently hit my mom's car. Long story short, it didn't look bad, but she couldn't open the door and had to have a body shop take care of it before she could drive home. Sigh. It turned her short vacation into one that was almost 2 weeks. Yeah. Fun.

Anywho, back to Santa. Jim got me a Nikon D40 (yayayay!), a T3 hair dryer and some other assorted little things. He got an ipod touch and a blu-ray player. See, told you it was a very merry Christmas!

The next day we spent the morning with his family in the South Bay where we got tix to Phantom playing at the Pantages in January and a gift certificate to Cut! Woohoo! That afternoon we trekked out to his aunt's house in the valley for more socialing with the big extended clan. We are now officially the only married couple in the family that either don't have kids or aren't currently pregnant. We're standing strong though! It was a great night (except for one little incident that doesn't need mentioning here) and it was good to see everyone.

* New Year's
Mellow, just the way I like it. No pictures because I wasn't feelin' it. We had dinner and watched TV with some friends at their apartment and it was lovely. Good food, good friends, good conversation. What more do you need to ring in the new year, right?

And there you have it. The end of 2008 -- except for the walk, really the recap is coming soon.

Now I can start fresh and not feel so bad about being so very behind. Yay!

Can't seem to catch up

There is so much to blog about, but I barely have time to breathe these days. I'm exhausted and I'm trying to enjoy the season, which leaves little time to blog about the things I'm doing that are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy this holiday season. With that said, I'll try to get some pictures up of the following things one of these days, but for now, here is a rambling post full of bullet-points:

* We hosted our annual party for some of our good friends last weekend. I made a bunch of appetizers, which meant I was cooking half of Friday and all day Saturday, but they turned out great and it was fun living in my kitchen for awhile. The highlight for me was making mini pumpkin cheesecakes (so yummy!) and Gingerbread Snowflakes from Miss Martha. If I do say so myself, they turned out adorable!

* I've done the vast majority of our Christmas shopping this year online. I've found good deals, lots of free shipping and I haven't had to run around all over the place looking for stuff. With only 2 gifts left to purchase, my holiday shopping is almost complete. Thank God!

* I was in charge of our office holiday party for the second year in a row, after swearing that I wouldn't do it after last year's craziness. Well, now I've officially had it. I'm out for next year. It's frankly not worth the bitching and moaning from folks and the work involved in putting it all together. On the upside, I provided the holiday music and two of my worker bee co-workers who helped put the party together liked it so much that they've asked for a copy of it. :) They said it was a great mix of all those songs you hear out in the malls, but can never remember once you get home. It's such a silly thing to be proud of, but oh well. Ha!

* As of today, I know of 9, count 'em n-i-n-e people who are having babies sometime in 2009. And about half of them are close family and friends. I'm so happy for everyone, but no joke, I'm buying stock in Babies R Us! Oh, and we keep telling my mother-in-law about the babies and she finally replied with "Okay, I don't want to hear anymore about your friends babies." Implying, of course, that she'd like to hear about our babies! Hahahahahaha! Yeah, not for a loooong time, if ever.

* Instead of real babies, hubs and I are starting to consider a baby of the furry variety, namely a puppy. We have a short list of breeds we're considering and will likely head to a dog show after the first of the year to see the breeds in person, talk to the breeders, etc. Once we finally decide on a breed that would be good for us, we'll get more information from AKC breeders and local breed-specific rescue groups. Most of the dogs on our list are also known for being good therapy dogs with proper training and this is something I'm really interested in. Not only would we be giving back to the community, but we'd be ensuring we'd have a well-behaved dog in general. We're not exactly sure of the timeline yet, but 2009 will likely see us adding a furry friend to our home. Very exciting!

* Lastly, I chopped my hair. This was sort of inadvertant as I asked the stylist for a "long bob", but she didn't so much hear the "long" part. I'd been toying with the idea of going short for some time, but I didn't have the guts to go for it. It was much easier for the stylist to accidently goof, at least for me. Super easy to style and such in the morning and it's just fun to have a very different look.

And that's the long, somewhat convoluted version of what's been going on these days. Things with my dad are still sticky, but I'm trying to leave most of the crazy to the lawyer and only get involved when absolutely necessary. So far, so good. And I seem to be having more good days than bad, but I'm not sure how much of that is due to accepting what happened vs. being too busy to really take it all in. Time will tell.

Hope everyone is having a happy holiday season!

Still upright, barely

As most of you already know, we found out on the 20th that my father had passed away. My brother received a call from the police that morning for permission to enter the house for a welfare check after concerned neighbors had contacted them. What they found was not good and it started a whole storm of events that is still ongoing. Those first few hours passed in a blur. My brother called me at work and I lost it, but quickly tried to regain my composure to deal with everything. I walked over to Jim's office and he sat with me outside for awhile so I could try to wrap my brain around everything. As I've talked about here, I'd had very little contact with my dad in the past year, which makes his death even more complicated than it would have been otherwise. I also had to quickly make a decision on whether I'd continue with my plans to walk in the 3 Day Walk as I was scheduled to get on a train to SD a few hours later. Ultimately, I decided to still participate in the walk and I'm so glad I did. Alyssa and I talked a bit about it at the beginning of the trip and then I put it aside for the duration of the weekend. I think the distraction was good for me, but it didn't stop my nights from being very long and holding little in the way of sleep.

Without meaning to, my brother and I divided the tasks that needed to get done with him serving as point person for the coroner and funeral home and me dealing with all the legal stuff once I got home from the walk. To say that things are complicated would be an understatement. Aside from the swirl of emotions surrounding his death, there is also the financial hornet's nest that we are left to deal with. Earlier this year, my dad switched me from being executor of his will to just a backup, in the event that his tax attorney couldn't perform the job. Thank God he did that. Even without being the executor, the amount of paperwork I'm having to sort through and the information I'm having to provide the attorney is taking days to get through. We took a trip out to my dad's house in Arizona over the weekend, which was tough for a bunch of reasons that are just too much to post here. We came back with 6 file boxes of paperwork that needed to be sorted and organized before I could decided what needed to be copied and mailed to the attorney. I'm still in the middle of it and it's just draining.

In terms of the emotional fallout, it's been pretty low for me. With the exception of my outburst when I first found out, I haven't really been able to cry and deal with the emotional stuff. I think part of this is having to stay strong to deal with all the practical stuff and part of it is still being angry over what happened earlier this year and the mess that has been left. How calloused to be angry with someone who is no longer here, right. And yet, I can't stop ping-ponging between being so incredibly sad and so very angry, with a background anxiety that I can't shake at all. I also feel like my brain in a fog , which makes focusing difficult. And sleep. Ha! Haven't had a good night's rest in almost 2 weeks. I sleep, but it's light and I wake up a lot in the middle of the night and feel just as tired in the morning as I was when I went to bed. I'm sure a lot of this is just going to take time to sort through.

Originally, my mom was going to stay home for Thanksgiving because she had made plans with a family friend to hang out. Once we realized we'd need to make a trip out to Arizona that weekend, she came down early and we had a good little Thanksgiving dinner at the house, just the two of us. [Jim and my brother hung out with us in the morning, but we insisted they do they're normal dinner plans that afternoon.]Even in the fog that my brain is living in, I managed to pull together an honest to goodness traditional dinner in a few hours. With enough leftovers to eat on when we got back Saturday night. It was really nice to have a real holiday with her in the midst of all this, even if we did do it in our pajamas. :)

I'm back at work today, but it's hard getting back to the real world. I've been tucked in my little cocoon of family, our house, a few friends and the tv for so many days that it's hard getting back into the swing of things. For everyone that emailed, called, sent Facebook messages, etc, thank you so much. They mean a lot to me and I'm so grateful to have such warm and caring friends. There are still many that are unanswered and I swear I haven't forgotten about you, it's just taking me awhile to get to everything.

I'm trying to take things one day at time and just get through as much as possible each day. I know things will get better. I know that eventually all of the craziness will be worked out and I'll be able to actually grieve properly. But for now, I'm floating along, trying to keep everything in order and maintain some semblance of normalcy.

Radio Silence

Ever since this post, I've had contact with my dad exactly three times: to request he send us a copy of our wedding video (long story), to send a curt Father's Day email and to respond to a phone call of his wondering when we can get together (the response - not anytime soon). I needed a break from his melodrama and all the craziness surrounding him. I figured I'd finally contact him when I was over the anger and felt like I could talk to him without blowing a fuse.

We can see how well that is going. We're coming up on 8 months and I still see red, bright all-encompassing red, when I think about everything that happened surrounding the surgery and the months leading up to it. In many ways, life has been so much easier without him being part of it. I know that sounds incredibly calloused and cruel, but sadly, it's true. However, I also have this cloud hanging over me. I know that at some point, I'm going to have to drag my head out of the sand and deal with things. I'm going to have to let him know why I've basically cut off all contact from him. And yet, the last 8 months haven't helped me understand his actions any more than I did in February. Nor has it brought any clarity to how I should go about dealing with the situation.

Unfortunately, my time is about up. After almost 8 months, I guess my dad has finally realized that something is wrong. And that is baffling in and of itself. Really, it took me being on radio silence for almost 8 months before you figured out something was wrong? Really?! I go 1 week without contacting my mom and she calls to find out a) if everything is okay and b) "you're not mad at me, are you?" For so many reasons, it's no surprise they are no longer married....

I received an email several weeks ago with the subject line "I'm sorry if I've hurt you" and the body of the email just said "Love, Dad." I've also received 2 phone calls inquiring if I'm alright and that if there is anything he can help with, just let him know. Somehow, I think if I responded with a request for him to stop being so damn selfish and melodramatic, I'm guessing it wouldn't change much.

My brother has maintained somewhat consistent contact with him (which is all relative - it's still much less than how often he talks to our mom) and I've gotten updates on my dad from him. My dad has never been an easy person to communicate wiht, but part of what is compounding the insanity now is that he is dealing in some crazy, new-age, brainwave, scientology-esque kind of crap. He has dropped cryptic hints about this to me, but I don't play along and ask what he's talking about. Mainly because my brother has filled me in on all the missing information. I've also been told he's not discussing this with me because he thinks I wouldn't be very accepting of it. [Really, ya think? You mean, I'm supposed to find sitting in a meat locker for a week with electrodes strapped to your head a good thing? Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.] This is similar to the reasons why he never discussed the divorce with me either -- he never wanted to hear what I would have to say about it because it wouldn't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Fun times, eh?

I've already decided that I actually have to do something about this and soon. Not this week, not until after the wedding and our Vegas vacation. The decision to deal with it has helped to lift the burden a bit, but I still have a massive tension headache whenever I think about it and I still don't know what I'm going to say. I figure I'll start with an email so that I can write it all out in black and white and really say what I need to say, whatever that is. My brother has agreed to read it over before I send it so I can make sure it makes sense and so he has a heads-up in case my dad turns to him to decipher why I'm so upset. I'm guessing there is a high liklihood of this.

I hate that I'm still in this place and don't have any answers. I hate that I'm having to deal with this. And most of all, I hate knowing that no matter what I say or do, I'm never going to get a resolution that I'll be satisfied with.

Sigh.

Wish me luck. Or, if you're so inclined, a prayer or two would help, too.

Weekend Rewind

Friday
My workday ended at 3:30pm (wheee!) and then I was off to run some menial errands (drycleaning, grocery store, etc) before meeting up with my trainer at 6pm. Fifteen minutes into the session and I asked him to remind me that the next time I wanted to reschedule our Wednesday session for a Friday night, to tell me it was a dumb idea and that he wouldn't do it. :/

After the brutal hour was up, I headed home, took a shower and changed into comfy clothes. Hubs had followed the directions I left for starting dinner to the letter, which left me with grilling the steak, dressing the baked potatoes and quickly making a salad. Add in a bottle of red wine and there you have it. Simple, but so good! I can't remember what we watched on TV, but I do know we turned in around 11pm. We're so old!

Saturday
Such an early morning. Ugh. We needed to be at the Rose Bowl by 9am so that we could participate in the new "select a seat" program for season ticket holders. It was gray and chilly outside, but the fans were all surprisingly chipper. Once our group was called in, we were ushered into the locker room to listen to a brief intro on how it was all going to work. The guy was funny and straight-forward and the locker room itself was just beautiful! Millions of dollars of renovations transformed it into a space where a board meeting would be just as at home there as a collegiate football team.

After the briefing, we were released onto the field to survey the available seats. We opted not to donate this year, but we were still able to move 1.5 sections closer to mid-field and move over into actual seats as opposed to the benches. Score!

At this point, it was only 10am, so we took the next few hours doing some house-hunting. We found a few neighborhoods that appear to be somewhat affordable and very cute. [Really the term "affordable" is all relative, we're still talking Los Angeles here folks.] There were a few houses in particular that we really liked from the street and planned to see the inside later in the week. Alas, we found out the next day they were already in escrow. Wah! :(

For lunch, I was craving the "after-school special" (cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese) from Doughboys and talked Jim out of visiting Phillipe's for it. Big mistake. Our lunch was just icky. My soup had a strange smoky flavor to it and the grilled cheese was basically flavorless. Jim's breakfast quesadilla should have been called a "grilled onion quesadilla" as that is the only thing you could taste in it. :/ Phillipe's would have been a muuuuch better choice.

To make up for lunch, we visited the Ice Pan, a new ice cream shop that makes your ice cream right in front of you. Jim had vanilla with berries and I had low-fat chocolate with strawberries. Both were tasty, but I think the whole concept is just a fad and won't last long. I'd still rather have Golden Spoon. [shrug]

We also quickly ran through Target so Jim could check out the latest Wii stuff and I could try and get some new sports bras. And wouldn't you know, it looked like they had just restocked their activewear section so they actually had ample sizes and colors. Yay! I picked up 4 of the seamless camisole sports bras from the C9 line. Jim tried to also convince me that we needed DWTS for the Wii, but I opted out, especially as we already have Rock Band on pre-order.

By the time we got home, we were both exhausted so we flipped on the NBA playoffs and Jim napped while I read a book and kept a half-eye on the game. I managed to not get up the rest of the evening though, as we ordered PF Changs for dinner and Jim was forced volunteered to go pick it up by himself. It was just okay, but it still meant I didn't have to cook. The rest of the night was spent watching Sports Center and our favorite show, 48 Hours Mystery.

Sunday
We both, finally, got to sleep in for a bit. I doctored up some frozen Kashi waffles for breakfast and then we got ready and headed down to my ILs house for lunch. A quick stop at DSW and Bristol Farms provided gifts for the mommies. I ordered my own mommy a Sigg bottle earlier in the week and the silly company didn't send it until Saturday. Ah well, I called her to wish her a happy mother's day and say the gift was on its way.

We had a pretty large group (ILs, both BILs, MIL's bestie and her son, hubs grandma) and it was good to see everyone. One of Jim's brothers picked up El Burrito Jr. on his way to the house (my jr. super deluxe veggie burrito was delish!) and then we capped it off with strawberry shortcake for dessert. Mmmmm. I spent some time after dessert chatting with my MIL about her elbow (it's still a mess and they are considering a 2nd surgery to try and fix it; they've even told her she may never be able to pick up a bag of groceries with that arm again) and I could hear the ridiculousness that was the 4th quarter/OT of the Lakers game from the other room. The dejected look on everyone's faces said loud and clear that things hadn't gone well. Boooo!

Jim and I headed back to our apartment in the early evening so he could get some work done and I somehow managed to motivate enough to go for a short run (gotta make use of those new sports bras). When I got back, I was all energized and made quick work of 4 loads of laundry, cleaning the kitchen and getting my stuff ready for the next day. And again, yet another weekend that went by far too quickly!

Ho-hum

I've had a bit of writer's block the past week or so. Lots of fun things going on, just no motivation to write about it that night or the next day (or the day after...) I blame this on trying to get prepped for our trip next month and tying up loose ends before we leave.

Bullets are all I can muster right now. Sorry.

*Went to the Clips game last Wednesday. Jim scored tickets in the company box, which he never passes up... even if the game did feature 2 really bad teams. We had a few friends there as well as some of fun colleagues. We actually spent most of the game watching the Lakers game on TV instead of the game actually being featured at Staples Center that night. Oh well.

*Finally got around to getting the eyebrows waxed. It had been weeks. Even the tech remarked "Wow, it's really grown in, hasn't it?" Why, yes it has, thanks so much for noticing. :/

* My poor sweet mother-in-law broke her elbow :( She had surgery yesterday and everything went well, but still. I feel so bad for her. And I totally wished I lived closer so I could run food over when I go on my marathon cooking sessions. Instead, we sent her fancy chocolate strawberries until I can get down there with something more substantial.

* I'm finally getting back to my regular gym routine. Did back to back classes on Saturday and it sucked for the first 30 minutes or so, but after that I felt great. Yay!

*Went to a going-away food and fun 'fest for Winnie on Sunday. Sad reason for getting together, but I had a great time hanging out with everyone. We'll miss you Winnie! :(

*I'm currently obsessing about a pair of dark brown leather heels from Cole Haan for work. I have a couple different sizes on order because no one actually has narrow widths in stock. They are exactly what I've been looking for, but now I'm just worried that they might now fit right. Stupid think to be stressing over, but yeah. I still am.

And that is about it in a nutshell. The next few weeks before our trip are jam-packed with stuff and I'm in full list-making mode to make sure I don't forget to do anything. All good things, of course, but still a lot of get done.

*&%$@&*%

I was trying to think of a witty title for this post, but instead thought I'd just the clean version of the ticker tape that has been going through my head for the past week or so.

The backstory is very long and very convoluted. Just trust me when I say that I am really not a calloused person in general, but I've more than had my fill of the melodrama with my dad.

Short version: My brother and I over the past 12 months have been getting somewhat consistent calls from my dad announcing that any day now he'll have to have surgery on [insert body part here] and that he might not make it off the table. Obviously, we get all upset and worried and then a few days later, he calls back to say there isn't going to be a surgery and he is fine. And then the cycle repeats. We've done this at least 4 times in the past year. It's getting to be an awful lot a bit like the little boy that cried wolf. My brother has much more contact with my dad than I do and has been convinced that my dad has a deathwish due to other circumstances. Since I haven't been that close to the situation, I believed my brother's take on things.

Cut to 2 weeks ago when we get a call from my dad announcing that he was having cervical surgery in one week and he wanted me to be there (if I could), but was demanding that my brother drop everything and go to take care of him for a week and then drive him back to his house. Complicating the situation is the fact that my dad lives in Arizona, but was having the surgery at Stanford. Makes perfect sense, right? [eyeroll] After a series of conference calls (cause, you know, we function like a business. ugh.) it was decided that I would fly up the night before surgery, be there through Sunday afternoon and then come home; my brother would fly up Monday night, drive him back on Tuesday morning and fly home to LA on Wednesday evening.

All the time, he kept driving home the fact that this surgery was very serious and invasive. He quoted a surgery time of 6-8 hours and that there was a good chance he wouldn't make it off the table. My brother flip-flopped back and forth between indifference and being upset. I shared the situation with a close friend and my MIL and they both asked the delicate question of whether maybe he was doing all this for attention. I brushed them off, but that thought did linger in the back of my mind.

The morning before the surgery, he drove up to see my brother for breakfast and ended the meal not telling my brother he loved him. Nope. Instead, he said "Just be sure to take care of your sister." My brother made it back to his car, where he called my mom and started bawling.

That night, my dad picked me up from the airport and we had dinner. You know when you get a cart at the grocery store and it pulls to the left. And you spend the whole time trying to keep it centered? That is the best analogy I have for dinner that night. He kept trying to go on a "poor pitiful me" spree and to give the allusion that it was the last night he may have on earth. And I just couldn't play into it. By this time, I started thinking that maybe this was all being done for attention. And I just couldn't keep playing into the drama. So, I was a happy, upbeat little soul the entire meal. It was obvious this was not the way my dad has thought the evening would progress.

The next morning (Friday) we were up well before the sun was, and off to the hospital for check-in and pre-op. He gave me a sealed envelope before we left "in case he didn't make it" complete was a somber expression. Lovely.

Pre-op went well, but he was still just being weird about the whole thing. Just trying to make things much more dramatic that it needed to be. It was especially apparent when the doctors and nurses that kept stopping by were very upbeat and not in the least worried about anything. Compare this to the man that was next to my dad. They told him they had 6 pints of blood on hand "just in case" and they were inserting a tube to monitor his blood pressure by the second. Hmmm, I wonder who was having the more invasive and complicated procedure? Oh, and that "6-8 hour" surgery time? Try 2.5-5 hours.

They wheeled him in at 7:30am. The doctor was back out to me at 10am with not surprisingly good news. Everything was textbook and my dad would be fine. After hearing his nice doctor speel, it was my turn to ask questions. The most important of which "What were the chances of my dad making it off the table?" I wish I had had a camera to capture the surgeon's expression. I'm guessing he doesn't get asked that a lot post-surgery. The answer: "Well, he does have a slight heart condition, but really, his risk was just the same as anybody else." [Thud] And there you have it folks, direct from the horse's mouth. All the drama was made up. The emotional rollercoaster my brother and I had been on for months was all for naught. It was just for attention and to feed his ego. Livid does not begin to describe the emotion that I was feeling.

The recovery time was 5 hours because my dad was having issues with pain. And once he got back to the room, things weren't a whole hell of a lot better. It took him several days to get off the IV pain meds and with the heavy duty pain pills he was being given, he was still pretty doped up for the rest of the weekend. Saturday night came around and as angry as I was with him, I just couldn't fly home and leave him there by himself. My mom just didn't raise me to be like that. So, I opted to stay til Tuesday afternoon until my brother was there to drive my dad home. I'm happy with my decision because I was able to do as much as I could and leave there with a clear consience.

The next 3 days were just mentally and physically exhausting. I was there every morning before rounds started (around 7am) and would leave around 7pm. Granted, I would take breaks, but it was still a lot to deal with especially seeing as I had no one to trade off with. Even though my dad was doped up, he still found a way to sometimes be a bit rude with the nursing staff. Or, he would try to be "cute", telling them he had no vitals, being a brat about walking around, etc, which was anything but. I spent a lot of time running after the nurses apologizing or just being overly thankful to them to make up for him.

I could go on and on about his antics, but it's just too much to type here. I felt more like a babysitter than an advocate. It's not anything I would wish on anyone.

Tuesday morning finally rolled around. At one point my dad had the nerve to ask "So, how can we make this better for everyone next time?" My first thought, of course, was next time? Hmph. Next time will be just fine for me because I won't be here. But no, I said that I really didn't think we should talk about next time, but he just wouldn't let up. So, I finally confronted him about all the crap he had pulled on me and my brother. Said that I asked the surgeon point blank what his risk was of making it off the table and that he said it was no more than any normal person. And that we can't keep doing this emotional rollercoaster and to lay off the melodrama. I think I was fairly eloquent in what I said, but I was shaking like a leaf. I hate confrontation.

And after all that, what was his response?

"Well, that's fair." And then he fell asleep.

[scooby doo noise]

Are you effing kidding me? Not an apology. Not saying it was all a misunderstanding. Nothing but "that's fair"?!? I was speechless. Truly and utterly speechless.

Our relationship will never ever be the same. How can you knowingly play those kinds of mind games with your own children? Like, I seriously can't get my head around it.

I'd like to say that things got better from there. But that would be a lie. My brother said the drive to Arizona was hell. My dad was making ridiculous demands of my brother on and off the whole trip and at one point told him that the walker takes better instructions than my brother. And to clarify, then said "That means you [my brother] don't take instructions well."

Yeah, my dad is still on heavy duty drugs, but I don't believe for a second that he doesn't know exactly what he is saying.

My brother left my dad's house last night and now my dad is there by himself. Because of course, trying to arrange for help would have meant actually putting some thought into this surgery beyond just telling his kids he was gonna crump on the operating table.

I really don't know what the outcome of everything is going to be. I still find myself alternating between worrying how he is taking care of himself all alone in the house and being so angry with him I could scream. I've had a piercing headache behind my eyes for the past week that I can't seem to shake; I'm sure it's a combination of tension, stress and anger. I haven't slept well and my shoulders and back are just in knots. Ugh. Just ugh.

To not end this post on a total debbie downer note, I'd like to share a couple of bright spots in an otherwise shitty last week:
* I got to spend some time with my mom, which I was expecting. She came and sat with me for a few hours each day and took me out to lunch. I love her a lot and so appreciate her keeping me company.
* One of the residents that was checking in on my dad had the most beautiful british accent ever! I swear, it was like he stepped straight out of a chick lit novel. I wanted to just follow him around and listen to him talk to patients, nurses, anyone really.
* I read Julie & Julia: 365 days, 524 recipes, 1 tiny apartment kitchen while I was waiting around. A great, easy read and just like the French Laundry at Home blog, totally inspirational. It served as a great daily reminder of the fun cooking project I have at home, waiting for me once I got through the whole crazy mess.

Even though I've been home for a full day, I still just feel so off. I figure it'll take me til Monday to finally feel normal. I can't wait. To help get back on track, this weekend is the weekend of ME. I have a lot of cooking planned and I can't wait to tuck into my tiny little kitchen in some comfy clothes, with my ipod and a couple of "real" cookbooks on my countertop.

As for my dad, I don't know. I really hope everything goes okay, but at this point, I'm spent and just can't exert anymore effort. If you're the praying kind, if you wouldn't mind sending up one for each of us: my dad, my brother and me. We could all use all the help we could get.

My Brother

Disclaimer: I usually try to make my blog posts upbeat and chipper. However, I'm not very upbeat and chipper right now. In fact, I'm down-right frustrated, angry and "so over it". The "it" to be described in future posts. I'm still gonna have a lot of happy posts b/c overall, my life is great and I am beyond lucky. I'm just afraid that all this frustration has got to get out somewhere, and that somewhere is here.

I have a younger brother, born about 4 years after me. My mom has these great stories of me being so protective of him when he was first born. [I guess when he'd cry I'd go to her all upset and say 'Don't make my brother cry!', like I was afraid she was hurting him or something.] And as kids, we got along well. I'd play GI Joes with him, he'd play Barbies with me and we'd watch WWE wrestling together. Sounds crazy, but we had a lot of fun.

Somewhere along the way though, things changed. I was the 'easy child', always did what I was told, did well in school, didn't need a lot of boundaries because I was too afraid of disappointing anyone to actually try and break any rules that were out there. My brother, however, tested boundaries and while he did okay in school, he was always compared to his 'older sister'. My mom did a great job raising us, but my dad wasn't always around. I think my brother missed him, missed having a male figure in his life. I'm sure that was never easy. But I didn't think like that when I was a teenager. Instead, it was just easier to say that he was the one with issues and it wasn't my problem. We started fighting. Nothing physical, but the attitude and nasty words we threw back and forth to one another was nothing short of ugly. And it got worse and worse til I went off to college. And then we just basically stopped talking.

I went about my business, doing well in school, loving the freedom college allowed me, while my brother stayed at home and continued to rebel against everything and everyone. It just drove us farther and farther apart. The few phone conversations we had always ended poorly. We just didn't see eye to eye on anything. I'd try to give him advice and he shrug it off as his 'know-it-all' older sister just trying to be the smart one again. I was so tired of the drama that seemed to constantly surround him that talking to him was a burden.

Everything came to a head about 5 years ago. I was home visiting my mom, he still lived there. I inadvertantly hurt his feelings and he just lost it. The details aren't important, but after a vicious verbal exchange I just knew that our relationship had been damaged beyond all repair. It broke my mom's heart. She wanted her kids to be close and to be able to depend on each other. I knew that we'd never get there.

Apologies were later exchanged, but it was just words. We were both still very hurt by what was said. Sometimes it's easy to forgive, but that forgetting part is much more difficult. We still didn't really talk and the few times we did, it was strained at best.

My wedding approached and I asked my husband to have my brother in the bridal party, which he gladly did. Even that did little to help mend the fences between us. The wedding pictures show a nuclear family all smiling and happy. The reality was, in a crisis, my brother would be low on the list of the people I would call first.

Around this time, my grandfather started getting sick and going downhill. He lived with my parents and my brother was still living there, too. The strain of the situation was wearing on my mom, and my brother would sometimes call with updates, but again, the conversations always ended with both of us exasperated with the other.

And then, one night, it all changed.

My brother and I had just chatted and like always, the conversation didn't end well. A few minutes later though, my mom called. She had just talked to my brother. He mentioned that his initial reaction to something I said that he didn't agree with was to yell at me. But instead, he was quiet and just thought about it for a minute. And realized that maybe I had a valid point. And in that instant, everything was different. I just knew it.

I quickly got my mom off the phone and immediately called my brother. We both knew that the conversation would be different this time. It was. We talked for 3 hours, never once raising our voices. There were a lot of tears, a lot of sincere apologies, a lot of explanations of anger and frustration that had been building for years. And that night, in October 2006, we began truly rebuilding our relationship.

God works in mysterious ways because the timing couldn't have been better.

In December 2006, my dad dropped a financial bomb on my mom 6 days before Christmas that would rock the entire family. In January 2007, she filed for divorce. In February 2007, my grandfather (my mom's dad) passed away.

And through it all, my brother and I talked and cried together and screamed together and supported one another when we both knew no one else in the world could be better for the task. Not spouses, not friends, not even parents.

I'd like to say that I would have gotten through the last year okay without him. But that would be a lie. I think my brother would say the same thing about me. We have not only mended our relationship, but we're closer than we've ever been. We don't always 100% agree with one another and sometimes we still get frustrated with the other person, but we're human. The bottom line though is we respect each other. We have the other's best interest at heart. We look out for each other. My mom is beyond ecstatic.

The only downside to all of this, is that there has been so much family stuff that we've been dealing with, that we haven't gotten to know each other as much as we'd like. My brother commented last night that he still doesn't really know what I do on a day to day basis (and vice versa) because so many of our conversations are just about damage control within the family. This year, I'm making an effort to change that.

I can't put into words how grateful I am that we found a way to start over. To truly deal with the past and then put it away. I love him a lot and am so happy to have him as my brother.

It was a Very Merry Christmas!

It's been a few days since the last post and needless to say, it's been busy around here. It's gonna be a long post b/c there is a lot to catch up on. :)

Saturday
Hubs and I spent most of the day recovering from our party the night before. We both had some lovely hangovers, hence the yummy peruvian food for lunch and then takeout pizza for dinner. We watched the Bruins in the Las Vegas bowl at night and that was just sad. Missed a last minute field goal attempt and that was the ballgame. :( Let's hope our season is better next year.

Sunday
Time to gear up for the holidays again! After a relaxing brunch outside at the Farm, Jim and I headed back to the apartment for him to get some work done and for me to get started on my day of baking. Over the next few hours I made another batch of snickerdoodles, rum cake and salty chocolate-pecan candy.
My mom came over that night and we had garlic chicken from Versailles restaurant for dinner and chatted while we watched some TV.

Monday
We decided to do Christmas Eve at our apartment this year and to change it up even more, instead of our usual cold cut meal, I decided to make a ham dinner. Hubs thought I was crazy, but I figure that one day it's going to be us in charge of all the holiday stuff and I might as well start getting some practice doing the big dinner early. I was so busy cooking and prepping that I totally forgot to take pictures, but the dinner went over quite well. The menu consisted of the following:
Baked Ham with Bourbon Glaze
Lemon-and-Herb Roasted New Potatoes
Glazed Butternut Squash
Green Bean Casserole
Rolls
Rum Cake and Salty Chocolate-Pecan candy for dessert

The only thing that really missed the mark was the squash. It was overcooked (ew to mushy vegetables) and I think the sage really didn't add anything to the dish. I'd like to try it again, but Jim informed me that he isn't even a big butternut squash fan in the first place, so I may just leave it alone. We'll see. My brother got sent home with leftover ham, much to his delight and we still have enough leftovers to eat on for several days.

After dinner, we opened presents with my family. Santa was very good to everyone this year, bringing a slew of gift cards to all of us. My family hung out with us for a little while after dessert and we watched the end of the Chargers game. After everyone left, we straightened up the kitchen a bit and then Jim and I opened our presents to one another. We were again overly generous with each other and we both had a very merry christmas eve. One of my favorite gifts was a new necklace from that great little store with the blue boxes and Jim loves his new flying monkey toy! [Obviously he got more exciting gifts than that, but the monkey has been a huge hit]

Tuesday
We woke up early, got ready and then headed to Jim's family home to spend Christmas morning with them. We shared a huge breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, hashbrown casserole and muffins washed down with lots of coffee and juice. So good! Then, it was time to move to the livingroom for more gift-opening. Again, Santa was good to everyone and by the time we were done, the room was a mess of fun presents, torn wrapping paper and empty boxes. The big gifts were a 2 week trip the east coast from my FIL to my MIL, a really nice watch from my MIL to my FIL, a Wii for my BIL, headphones and new luggage for my other BIL, a cricut for me and a bluetooth device for his car for Jim. See, I told you Santa was good to us!

Around 2pm, it was time to pack up and head to his aunt's house who was hosting the big Christmas dinner for everyone. My family was meeting us there, bringing the total guest count to somewhere around 35ish people. so. much. fun. There was lots of eating and drinking before the main meal was ever served, putting the entire group in a merry mood right from the get-go. 2 families even shared a limo up from OC just so no one would have to drive --- such a great idea and it looked like they were already filled with holiday cheer before they ever stepped foot in the door!

Dinner was delicious as always and I ate too much, as always. After dinner it was time for dessert and to start the grab bag gift exchanges. The women's exchange is much more tame and laid back with very little stealing and mayhem. The men's exchange, on the other hand, is complete chaos, with different families trying to work together to get the more popular items (i.e. booze) and steal it from each other so that it becomes "dead" and thus stays within the family. This led to my dad, who doesn't drink at all, actually stealing the Patron from my husband so that it would secure it's position with our family unit. Hilarious, I tell you!

Because the gift exchange is really for the adults, several of us also bring small gifts for the little kids that are at Christmas (this year there were only 3). The youngest boy (at 2 1/2 years old) passed out before dessert was ever served but his little sisters (8 and 5 years old) were still up and ready for presents. I bought books for all of them and while the 8 year old was speechless in a good way over her present (she let me know she is collecting the whole set and that she didn't have these particular titles yet), the 5 year old looked like I had just given her coal. Her mom apologized profusely, but really, it was hilarious. I guess to her, I was a real scrooge this year. ha!

Wednesday
After much pleading on my part, I was able to convince Jim to take the day off and we headed to Disneyland. Granted, since it was still a work day, a lot of the time he looked like this:

Um, the park was freaking crowded!! Nevertheless, we still had a great time running around both parks and managed to still get on almost all of the big ticket rides without too much of a wait (thank you fastpass). We also realized that yesterday was the official day for the Rose Bowl teams -- USC and Illinois -- to visit the park. We saw several groups of very large guys wandering around in the park in their team warm-ups stopping to take pictures with people and sign autographs. We were really impressed at how patient the guys seemed to be with everyone. We also got a kick out of the little kids looking up at these guys with a real look of awe and amazement on their face. While waiting in line for the Tower of Terror ride, one group of Illinois players were seated on the ride and then a small group of little boys were seated with them. They looked like they had just won the lottery. Too funny!

At one shop in California Adventure I found this little gem. Of course, it reminded me of my favorite tater!

In the evening it got COLD! Poor Jim had only worn a sweatshirt and hadn't brought a jacket and he was freezing most of the night. We didn't stay too late though, but I still felt bad for him at how cold he was. Poor guy! :(

All in all, it was a great day and we had a lot of fun! It was a great way to wrap up the Christmas break!